Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

   The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

   Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

   Does anyone else find it ironic that election day is on Dia de los Muertos? What a conundrum.

   convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.

   Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

   Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too.

   does not understand why people say "if I won the lottery, I would still work"....im 100% sure I could find better things to do...especially when I'm rich

   For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   There is no place like home unless you are homeless...

   I must be some kind of food magician because every time I bite into a hard shelled taco I instantly have a hand full of nacho's.

   They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   just looked at Yahoo! Trending Now: Brett Favre and Britney Spears right next to each other. Uh-oh. This could get out of hand in a hurry...

   thinks instead of Jerry Springer using a Boxing Bell; he should just tie Cow Bells around all the Heifer's Necks....

   Its all fun and games until the k9 unit shows up and tell you to pop open the trunk. I wish I was never born

   ELECTION DAY UPDATE: I just had some pizza and a soda.