Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yo, people that drive 10 mph under the speed limit 'cuz there's a cop behind you. stop it. you ain't gettin' free donuts or anything...

   Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   what do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A Crazy Beotch that will find you wherever you go!

   My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

   amazed how unexpectedly and rapidly things can change. I am Gizmo and water was just splashed on me.

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   Cheesy pick up line for the weekend: "Well, your here so I got my treat.How about we go to my place for some tricks?"

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   What do you think is the best Social Networking tool? Facebook? Twitter? Orkut? ... I say BEER! Yep, that's right. There's no other medium that makes friends bond as much as beer does....

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

   loading weekend… ██████████ 80% complete - (for Thursdays)

   : Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger

   one of those "Real Men Of Genius" Bud Light is talkin' about.....

   Electricity off?... Check. Doors and windows unlocked?... Check. Knives, Chainsaws, Machettes sharpened?... Double Check!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN

   Spongebob is trying to give Gary a bath, aren't they already underwater?

   Beauty is why God invented eyeballs.., and your booty is why God invented my balls...

   Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!