Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know if you roll down fast and steady enough, it gives the illusion of electric windows.

   I represent The Pizza Is Too Damn Good party... People eatin pizza 8 hours a day and 40 hours a week, my main job is to provide pizza for breakfast,lunch and dinner. Listen some childs stomach just growled did ya hear it?Give em pizza! Pizza Too Damn Good

   keep your lips sealed....even deaf people can read.

   when a whisper becomes a yell, best just deny it

   Born to shop, not to mop.

   Dear lady with 4 screaming children at the supermarket.. I would like to either discipline your children or slap you in the face for not learning to control them..

   Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

   thought Brett Farve was done throwing TD passes to Greenbay Packers....does last nights touchdowns count towards his Packer stats?

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   Candy corn that has the chocolate bottom is an insult to Halloween and America.

   R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   ALL UR LIES you SAID, ' I love U' WAS MY FAVOURITE

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   ...the monkey's out of the bottle, man.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.