Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   hates Pro Football, but I watched Betty White and Abe Vigoda in a backyard football game....Damn!..They sure can take a tough hit. Not like the NFL players.

   Knows a way to keep NFL players from acting like sissies, give them all leather helmets to wear again.

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween, stood next to the Easter Bunny, and handed out eggs......

   I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous

   I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......

   got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   they guy from Sister Wives just married his 4th wife. WTH is this guy thinking?!?!?

   A girls r like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?

   use to be a dime or quarter..but now here's $50..buy a prepaid cell phone and call someone who cares

   trying to type correctly but lack of sleep and too much wine don't help

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..

   I get my energy from my inner-G

   Mosquito's and women are alike, except a mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it....

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!