Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my homework was asexual, so it would do itself.

   You failed me when I needed you the most... stupid cell phone!!

   Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn...

   Poke me again, and I will stab you.

   It's your world, I just live and suffer in it.

   Charlie Sheen is really coming to the defense of Lindsay Lohan. In fact, he's set up a website asking the media to leave her alone. The site is doing great, it's received almost as many hits as his wife.

   It should be illegal to be *required* to be up before noon.

   says the people I work with are making me crazy, I think there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room. If the test shows they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!

   contrary to what many believe, there are actually 3 rings to marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

   that studies are showing that you can be obese & fit at the same time. Yep, that's me!

   How stupid is it when someone removes you as a friend, you ask them why and they say, "Why do you think, moron?"... Um, if I knew why, then would I be asking you dumbass?

   thinks that tomorrow today will be yesterday

   wants to know: if you went to bed with a schizophrenic, would it count as a threesome? Just asking.....

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!

   How to impress a woman: kiss, hug, compliment, love, tease, protect, listen, support. How to impress a man: Show up NAKED with BEER!!!

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.