Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought it was true love, but you know women lie.

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   - - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

   At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.

   **chokehold, spin, slam to the floor** Hello Wednesday!!

   dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.

   I never judge a book by it's cover, but I do read the Cliff Notes on some of these Hoes

   I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out

   Every time I see Renee Zellweger on screen I want to hand her an antihistamine.

   "Porn Actor Kills Colleague With Prop Weapon." It was apparently not a banana in his pocket, nor was he happy to see him.

   Shoppingcarts....teaching women to walk upright since 1869

   Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.

   Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?

   Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   "The most beautiful things in the world cannot be heard or touched, they must be seen"- Stevie Wonder

   "Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller

   Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.