Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton

   Taylor Lautner nake- oops...this isn't google.

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   make sure your wearing Deodorant when you reaching for the stars.

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   my girlfriend is driving me round the bend and daughter is sending me up the wall so if anyone needs me look for me on the neighbours roof ;)