Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   My favorite tactic is reverse .ygolohcysp

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

   that moment you wake up from a drunk night and ure scared to look at ur facebook statuses.

   if you make her laugh she likes you , if you make her cry she loves you , if you make her drunk she puts out Lmao

   those bootyshorts really compliment your tiger stripes

   it just me or does the friend finder on facebook seem alittle sketchy!

   The best part of watching an actor on an environmental crusade is when he gets on his private plane.

   Charles D*ckens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

   I asked facebook in the help section what exactly is poke?facebook replyed me saying poke is a dirty animal

   u know how dumb you will sound if you go in a interview talking bout you graduated from Everest? Ain't nobody gon take serious

   graduating from everest is the same as saying "well I'm a loser & I watch BET all day"

   I take a high school dropout more serious than a person that graduated from Everest

   If Yo family says they're proud of you for graduating from everest that means they didn't think you would live that long

   venting on his Myspace that he cant get on his facebook...