Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dyslexic and just finished walking into a bra.

   Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what's on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!”

   I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

   There is a difference between a porn stash and a porn 'stache.

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   Sarcasm........ Killing relationships since eve Adam ate that apple

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   A couple of kids asked me to teach them greatness so I bought all of them Miller light & told them to drink... Anymore questions?

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   --^v--^v--^v--^v--^v_______literally bored to death_____

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood."

   "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"

   Things are always better when you get a pat on the Butt!!!!

   "Follow your heart" is the biggest bunch of bullsh*t Ive ever heard!!!

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   I like that Dollar General store because you don't have to get all dressed up like you do when you go to Walmart.

   I guess having voices in your head isn't so bad if it's James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman.

   Bull fighting in Spain has been outlawed due to protests from animal rights activist. Not to worry, the bulls will have a new career when people can once again enjoy them. The Arby's 5 for 5.95 deal.