Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never, ever, ever under any circumstances take a laxative and sleeping pill on the same night

   Golfer oosthuizen has won the British Open. In his honor, his name will be used in the last round of the next National Spelling Bee.

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History

   tHInks pEOPle WHo TyPE LikE thiS aRe retARDed.

   I propose that Jesus must have been a Zombie. Lets look at the facts: He came back from the dead, He wants you drink his blood and also eat his flesh so that you have ever lasting life. Or maybe... a vampire-zombie? Hmm... futher study is needed.

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   wants you to know that Alcohol is Never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is "What is C2H5OH?"

   A woman should know how to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man." :)

   Get a backbone and say NO if you don't want to do something, ignoring calls and texts is a cowards way out. Grow a pair!!!

   “Even in a happy relationship, it's seems to be possible to have a wandering eye or even crave affection from another person.

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

   Some couples hold hands because theyre afraid that if they let go theyd kill each other

   I caught myself updating my Facebook status in my sleep & I think I actually would've posted it if the rumble strips on the highway didn't wake me up first.

   wondering why Dora never tells her parents about the fox that keeps stalking her."

   The BP oil is seeping into Bedrock. I'll bet Fred Flintstone is furious.

   I don't understand the whole gay women play softball thing. Please explain to me because it's a bunch of girls who like to hold wood & catch balls in spandex on their free time...

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   The trumpeter blew it while auditioning for the symphony.

   If you've seen one child on a leash, you've seen a mall