santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.

   Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

   Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.

   Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!

   No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?