Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jake and Vienna acted like they are already married.

   If you're a man over 65 and like to jog, remember to tuck your nuts in your sock before you leave the house....Old Jogger Rule #34.

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...

   If George Washington never told a lie, why is his picture on a dollar bill worth 38 cents?

   Lord Voldemort is pure evil. He turned Cedric Diggory into Edward Cullen!

   's ideas regarding romance have drastically evolved since kids & marriage. Flowers are lame. A man pushing a vacuum or starting a load of laundry without being asked, however, is the hottest thing since Brooke Shields swam the Blue Lagoon naked!

   facebook...u can poke another man's woman & he wont get mad about it

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   wants an asian monkey just so I can name it "who flung pu"

   George Bush is the only guy I know who has @#$%ed more than 300 million people at one time.

   Get Your FaceBook Outta MySpace.

   Dear Lindsay Lohan,Here is a tip,Better learn to hold your soap tightly.

   annoyed....the FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working!

   I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry."

   she didn't think it was as funny when her plans for a Dutch Oven backfired.

   I'm going to be more productive today by making a list of things I don't have to do and accomplish every one of them.

   Spain or Germany??? --Spermany!

   Watching the Hanover... Not the movie.. looking in the mirror

   finally decided to Tie the Knot... the Four-in-Hand Necktie Knot - it's really the easiest to tie.

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"