Funny Status Messages

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   With a great @$$ come a lot of eyeballs

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??

   I haven't seen Democrats this pissed since they were forced to free their slaves.

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77

   My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

   I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   The election in a nutshell: We let the p*ssies play pin the tail on the donkey for a while, then shut the party down.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   #marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.