Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Back to your bridge you evil troll.... your powers dont work here!

   “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

   wondering why American sports use terms like "world series" when no other countries play.

   smelling the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road.....

   It's true, our country sucks at soccer....but at least our kids aren't starving!

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   I wish I could chop off my fat with a knife, I would rather endure that than a workout!

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.

   Well, at least the war on the environment is going well...

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

   I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

   The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 5318008 into a calculator.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?

   teaching my dog to remove comdoms like I taught it to remove my socks wasn't a real smart idea... Just saying, thats all... =\