Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   Half the lies they tell about me aren't true

   Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news?

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Don't hold onto anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love !

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? We can send bjillions to Haiti but forget the working folks in the Gulf, eh?

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

   Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   Relly hopes the weekend comes as quick as some of her exes

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.