Funny Status Messages

   If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3

   My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   My wife just left the room to go fart. Thirteen years together and we're still not there yet.

   At any given moment there's at least 7 to 13 ninja's in your house.

   Coworker invited me to lunch which is hilarious because I've never had a job in my life.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.

   when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.

   Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.

   If Obama was Pepsi and Romney was Coca-Cola, then I would definitely drink water or tea.

   I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.

   As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God

   It's like my dad always said, "Don't call me Dad."

   if money can't buy happiness why are homeless people so sad??

   Thinking about opening a Vietnamese/Italian restaurant and naming it Pho, get about it.

   keep having a recurring dream. It's like the Family Guy giant chicken fight, but its Romney and big bird

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "f?ck you" to "whatever you say honey

   A kick in the nuts is above 9000 del (units) of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time

   girls at hooters may be hot. but when it comes down to it, the ladies at subway are the real wife material..