Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions....

   What do you get if you eat a Blackberry ? ... A Bluetooth.....

   Life is too short to dance with fat girls

   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.

   Megan Fox naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   having a 10 second honda is kinda like coming out of the closet, some people may be surpised at first but in the end your still gay

   Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”