Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   IT ME OR WHENEVER YOU PULL OUT A PACK OF GUM EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY YOUR FRIEND??

   fun facts of the day: Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks, all of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20, and Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself… especially when that something is Proctology.

   Announcing that your parents used to be cool hippies who went to Woodstock is probably not only a lie, but it also does not change the fact that they have a loser for a child.

   Monday's are like bowel movements. Sometimes they pass smoothly and sometimes you have to get in, sit down, shut up and hold on!

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.

   Feels sorry for skinny people, I know this girl who is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower just to get wet....

   I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.

   You can get more things accomplished with a kind word and a gun, then just a kind word alone, "Al Copone"

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...

   I like my women like I like my coffee...hot and bitter!

   Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!

   You know it's been a good night when you throw your panties at the wall and they stick there.

   just saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota today that said: "I Brake for NOTHING!"

   going over to the dark side...I figure it's just a burnt lightbulb needs replacing.

   wonders how much it cost the federal government to send 120 million letters notifying citizens the census forms are coming and how important they are!