Funny Status Messages

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ..... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY ?"

   I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!

   NOTICE: "Flirt Detection" FB Timeline Monitor has detected your significant other commenting a restricted user's picture. Do you wish to end the relationship? [Yes/No]. [Yes] Relationship ended. User has been submitted to FB Cheaters archives.

   My wife always gets the last word in on any argument...anything I say afterwards is the beginning of a new one

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.