Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.

   The correct measurement of toilette paper is from the dispenser to the floor for two-ply, and dispenser to the floor with a half turn for single.

   ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) (O.O) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) Opening a pack of gum at school.

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.