Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shhhhhhhhhhh, you had me at "open bar" :-)

   I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now I'm marrying my dreams.

   Wish life could be simple like the good ol' days. Like page 756!

   thinks that the older I get , the more young people look the same...That, or Justin Bieber just delivered my nespaper.

   Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...

   Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   thinking that church that is going to protest that 9 yr old death in az is a bunch of fruit cakes. and hope they all burn in hell

   A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I clearly see you're nuts."

   For an old white guy the colonel makes some good ass chicken.

   Just had the seating-plan through for Gerry Rafferty's funeral. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.:

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   I went to the lundromat where there was a sign that read: "Remove clothes immediatley when the buzzer rings!" Needless to say my astonishment when A: I realize I'm the only one in the place naked and B:I was getting tossed out by management!

   At the end of the day its just ME...not YOU or YOUR feelings!

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   while it's true that skinny girls freeze to death faster in the winter, it is also true that fat girls die alone.

   life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain, and then get struck by the light

   gonna rock your WALL!

   We are in for such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual and so far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared, Are you all OK?