Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   you might be a redneck if You can spit without opening your mouth.

   ladies only naked K-Y Twister tournament at my place tonight at 9pm.

   You give that porn actress an award?, she sucks! Nevermind....

   The difference between a grizzly and a brown bear? Climb a tree. If the bear climbs after you, its a brown bear. If it knocks the tree down, its a grizzly.

   the perfect body.......would someone please help me get it out of my trunk though, it's really starting to smell.

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.

   My eighty year old neighbor neither agreed with or could conceive the foreign idea of the “I before E” rule isn't that weird .

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd

   wondering if you can do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform.

   the next time I get pulled over, and the cop asks .. "do you know why I pulled you over" I'm going to respond with "y did you already ferget?"

   everybody is entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong they may be.

   Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Thought I was inconsonant. Turns out I have irritable vowel syndrome.

   Marshawn Lynch just became the first caveman to score a touchdown in Seattle playoff history.

   celebrating Elvis style tonight....putting on his cape and bringing extra scarves for the ladies.

   Google Earth: Helping stalkers since 2004.