Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I'm sorry ________, that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine you wanted is still on back order.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   I have a sudden urge to go skiing........water skiing......in the Caribbean

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others!

   curious. Who will win, Optimus Prime or Voltes V? ..... Answer: TV remote

   Onions can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make ppl laugh

   If companies embedded subliminal messages in the code for solitaire and angry birds, productivity would go through the roof.

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   thinks he knows why Chloe Kardashian and Chewbacca have never been seen in the same room together...

   Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".

   Say alpha...Kenny...body... now say it all together and fast!! OMG! Ur disgusting!

   Hey John its your grandmother. Could you tell me how to work this cell phone you got me for Christmas? ~ Sent via payphone.

   Just when you got used to writting 2010....BAM!!! 2011 shows up!

   Elton John adopting a newborn at 68??? Really? I mean, shouldn't he be picking out coffins instead of cradles?

   i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..

   getting ready to steal wireless from the neighbor...and boy I sure hope the signal is strong.

   just doesn't give a sh!t today, but just in case I start to, I'm starting a list...Your goal-->Stay off the list!