Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Status, I'm not sure if I should keep (up)dating you any more. You've changed, and I'm not sure if I'll like it.

   Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the insti

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   now friends with Jose Cuervo

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'

   If you can read this, chances are you won't be recieving a gift from me this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

   dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.

   I Would Never Be With Someone Just Because They Were Financially Stable. I Would Rather Live In A Trash Can With The Love Of My Life, Than To Live In A Mansion With Someone That Activates My Gag Reflexes.

   "Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   My friends keep saying that they wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I would have a lot more fun with a "That's what she said" button