Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   Ladies just cuz he locks his phone when he leaves the room doesn't mean hes cheatin...Now if he locks his phone...then takes the battery out...then moves the bookshelf which leads to an vault that he puts his phone in...Then ok maybe hes cheating

   For all of you Dads out there who went out for milk, and actually came back home -- HAPPY FATHER'S DAY......

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   Thinks Meatloaf,KORN,& Limp Bizkit, Should Do A "DINNER TOUR"!

   I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

   In life, there are three things you should not break: a heart, a promise, and a condom!

   I'm feeling kind of heavenly today, I just turned water into Kool-Aid.

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton?

   Okay ladies, here is the deal, we will stop talking about masturbation if you stop talking about your period. Fair trade.

   I blame Survivor for my inability to put out a tiki torch without saying, "the tribe has spoken."

   I sure hope Flavor Flav remembered to set his clocks forward!

   It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

   I could do so much more if I only had minions.

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.