Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   Apparently being a "Kid at heart" isn't a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding :(

   I only have one sexual preference and that's as often as possible please.