Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.

   Be your own best friend. Everyone will be jealous.

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   can't figure out why the Toyota Prius owners would be worried about brakes, since the car can't go fast enough to hurt anything anyway.

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   wonders why who jog regularly cannot get through the day without telling someone how far they ran? Notice they have to sneak it into the conversation or they'll burst

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   Someday we will be wheeling down the hall in that nursing home trying to have a race until the assistants come and take us to where we should have been