Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   dear Friday, I'm ready..

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   “Tired of online dating? You're not alone.” Yes you are. That's why you're dating online.

   BlackBerry laid off 11% of its workers. You can tell its bad cuz the CEO's announcement ended w/ the line "Sent from my iPhone."

   When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

   Dear Taco Bell, your 35% shreds of beef are like delicious shriveled delicacys of bliss and happiness from the rainbow of a dsylexic leprekuan... But I'm a carnivore and need at least 70% real meat to continue eating your contramptions.... Please work on

   Dont you just hate it when someone asks you to guess their age, and then you minus off 5 years of what you really think, hoping its enough?

   Hey guy next to me at the urinal, it's not a shake weight, KNOCK IT OFF... I hate using the bath room at Hooters.

   Blackberries are like girls, they only work when you rub one little button. iPhones are like men. One touch, anywhere and they respond.

   "I could watch him play video games for hours," - said no one's wife, ever.

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   The Nut I busted yesterday was so good it's still on my mind today at work. I'm totally having Pistachios again tonight

   Since the damn world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   Can't wait for the Royal Wedding to become available on Bluray with alternate endings and unseen footage

   Never mess with quiet people. You never know what they're thinking, and it could just be where to hide your body

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)