Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   On February 14, 269 A.D., a Catholic priest in Rome was tortured, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded. His name was Valentine. Just thought you'd want to know.

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   Dear Statefarm Insurane Advertising Team, It's time to re-invent yourself thanks.

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   I have to assume these next four weeks are incredibly difficult for anyone whose grandma actually was run over by a reindeer.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."