Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   I wish breaking up with someone meant they had to refund all the money you spent on them.

   I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   Facebook has saved me thousands of dollars on Birthday Cards!!! (suck it hallmark)

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?

   Here is Spike Lee's Address 1 Dumbass Way DouchBag, Indiana 666666 Feel free to terrorize him.

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate...

   male bats have highest rate of h0m0sexuality of any mammal, WELL THAT EXPLAINS EDWARD

   Target raises deodorant prices to keep Walmart clientele away.

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   Christmas shopping for your parents isnt easy. I mean, what DO you buy someone who has the perfect gift. Like me, for example

   Theres always that cart at walmart with an oval wheel. I'm all like "I wanna go look at games!" but its like "Nah b!tch, we're going to produce"

   hors d'oevures now there is a word that snooty people like to use regularly, most of us just say "snacks" and we survive the holidays just fine.

   A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN !