Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.

   Category: Used&Abused for $1200 Alex....Alex Tribec: Another victim of using recycled jokes.. Contestant: Who is CindyAnn?

   The secret to life - Replace one worry with another.

   Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!

   A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…

   The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own.

   Nobody likes the guy who stands in the corner of the elevator, hoarding the buttons. Then he asks; what floor? And he smiles, like he's doing you a favor. I WANNA HIT THE BUTTON.

   I believe in forgiveness. If someone hurt the ones I love... I'd probably kill that motherf*cker. But I'd forgive myself REALLY quick.

   After refreshing for hours, I just realized that this might be the new layout..

   You should have told me that your love has an expiration date.

   The phrase "This sh*t is bananas" probably originated from the guy who had to clean out the monkey cage at the zoo.

   I like rice,,,especially when I'm in the mood for like 2000 of something...

   here is how you fix the problem in Egypt, someone get dressed like MOses and go to the president and say "let my people go" .... hey it worked before =)

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   Mondays are middle finger approved

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so we can all start getting some stuff done.

   I'm humored that libya produces less than 2 percent of the worlds oil but speculation has put it roughly 30 percent up at the pump in the past weeks. But what do I know

   As we grow up, we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are.

   e-harmony proves that even people who wear shorts, dress socks and sandals CAN find true love.