Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sooo glad I was young, wild & crazy before there were cell phones & evidence.

   I learned something today....but I'm not telling you what because knowledge is power!

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.

   Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.

   “Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

   Zombie squirrels will feast on your nuts.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

   I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   "You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   The Scariest Horror Movies of All Time 1. The Exorcist 2. Psycho 3. The View on ABC

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov't gets $40...