Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would like to sublease his FB wall. He's still trying to find a way to make money here.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   Don't you wish you go back in time to your high school/college year and tell your younger self "Whatever you do, do NOT sleep with that girl"

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   a Japanese Atheist. He doesn't believe in Godzilla.

   I wonder if Toyota sent BP a Thank You note

   I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Does anyone have a clean slate to spare... I'm all out.

   When I grow up I'd like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."