Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It sucks when I decide something's not too hot for me to bring it across the room without an oven mitt, and finding out halfway there that I was wrong.

   Think back to 1850. California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. Nothing has changed, except then women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands!

   i realized I was getting old today when I discovered my first grey pubic hair."Dont worry, I wasnt as freeked out as the rest of the people in the elivator", I got over it...

   ‎(_8(l) - D'oh!

   loves the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. oh damn...i need another quarter

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.

   : Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   Google search the word "BLAP" & have a laugh!!!

   Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.

   First olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   I guess North Korea's illustrious leader is too stupid to realize if he launches an attack, North Korea will be wiped from the map.

   MLM’s such as "Nerium Internationa"l are the modern day equivalent of snake oil peddlers

   If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won't repost this,” there is a 99% chance you're an idiot.

   A North Korean man announce yesterday that his Dog gave birth to a 1/2 Dog 1/2 Cat offspring! Also referred to in Korea as the #2 ''Combo''!!!

   Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

   Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.