Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 13:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
←Rate | 02-22-2013 12:50 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only took 2 days to elect a Pope. I think its safe to assume none of the Cardinals were from Florida.
←Rate | 03-13-2013 15:45 by @michaelbeatty78 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I'm just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
←Rate | 03-29-2013 04:48 by Brodieking Comments (0)  


   messageicon A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!
←Rate | 04-02-2013 06:11 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:53 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
←Rate | 09-17-2012 08:18 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.
←Rate | 09-28-2012 05:09 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party
←Rate | 10-01-2012 22:42 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."
←Rate | 07-05-2010 13:46 by Joser Comments (0)  


   messageicon nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.
←Rate | 08-23-2010 08:48 by otis Comments (6)  


   messageicon If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
←Rate | 01-15-2010 10:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?
←Rate | 03-24-2010 15:52 by Buddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"
←Rate | 10-21-2010 15:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.
←Rate | 10-24-2010 15:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.
←Rate | 11-16-2010 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.
←Rate | 12-03-2010 09:23 by Heather25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...
←Rate | 09-08-2010 12:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now feel old, realizing Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit" was released 19 years ago.
←Rate | 09-11-2010 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.
←Rate | 10-04-2010 20:11 by Aaron Iglesias Comments (0)  




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