Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 749 of 6446

I haven't gotten laid in so long, you'd swear I've been wearing Crocs all this time.
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02-18-2013 13:58
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Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
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02-22-2013 12:50 by Czovczov
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Only took 2 days to elect a Pope. I think its safe to assume none of the Cardinals were from Florida.

If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I'm just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!
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04-02-2013 06:11 by flinnie
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Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

[ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party
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10-01-2012 22:42 by BEGO
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My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."
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07-05-2010 13:46 by Joser
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nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.
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08-23-2010 08:48 by otis
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If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
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01-15-2010 10:23
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When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?
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03-24-2010 15:52 by Buddy
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In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"
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10-21-2010 15:33
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Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.
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10-24-2010 15:39
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It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.
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11-16-2010 12:31
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You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.
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12-03-2010 09:23 by Heather25
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My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...
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09-08-2010 12:44
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I now feel old, realizing Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit" was released 19 years ago.
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09-11-2010 19:30
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Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.