Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn't cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

   Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven't taken him away from his parents yet.

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   You've gotta admit, cuddling with a giant panda would ALMOST be worth getting your face ripped off.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   Maybe if the Libyans spent less time firing into the air, the civil war could have ended 4 months ago.

   If Paranormal Activity 3, The Ring, and Poltergeist taught me anything, it's that little girls are absolutely terrifying.

   Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look ugly..:D

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer