Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at. 
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?
Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.
Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum
So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?
.... Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out......
I don't understand the fuss about Justin Bieber puking on stage. It's normal. It happens to me every time he comes on the radio.
Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.
No one can text faster than a pissed off woman
Economists are predicting that "black Friday" sales figures will pale in comparison to "the Mayans were wrong Saturday " sales figures...
I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.
Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.
Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.
Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
"Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.
I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line. 