Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!

   If you don't like the new photo viewer on Facebook...Hit the F5 key after the picture comes up and it will return you to the old way of viewing the photo and remove the black box around it.

   Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorized reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.

   If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, you're just being selfish!

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   To Michael Brown's family: I hope you find closure. To Darren Wilson: I hope you find peace. To the rioters: I hope you find jobs.

   Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

   The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.

   last time I checked this was the "funny facebook status website" not the deep and meaningful status website

   Girls don't be proud if every guy wants you... Cheap items have many buyers

   Ghetto word of the day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar or two?"

   it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.....

   I was on snookies facebook and poked her. Now I need to get my facebook checked for herpes.

   I love the way you laugh....mostly because your boobs jiggle when you do :)

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly!