Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   I just don't know if women like me. I know when they don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   You know you're short when you can see your feet in your driver's license!

   Some girls need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   hmm, not sure if the thermometer is laughing at me (lol) or if it actually says 101..

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.

   People who cancel their Facebook account are the real heroes.

   If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

   Oh sweetie, 19 year olds aren't "hot moms". Your just a teenager that got knocked up. Try again when you're 40.

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.