Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted a good job and to drive fancy cars... finally I am a valet.

   just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.

   You're so creative taking pictures of your face in 11 different angles with your phone. How do you do it??

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   Women hate being treated different than men, until there's a hostage situation and woman and children are let go first.

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "It's Never Going To Happen"

   Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   I hate it when a shower only has two options, either 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day...

   When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country...It's a whole different way of thinking.

   Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Mind your OWN Business!

   It's been years since I've seen Dora The Explorer... I think she got deported.

   Wonder if the government is going to issue fuel stamps to the needy, I need to be on that program.

   sorry for anyone in a cab right now.......awkward!!!!!

   Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have a few things I need to confess: I let the dogs out, I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, I hacked play station, I was on Navy Seal Team 6 and YES I did cause global warming.

   i cant belive they actually thought they predicted the end of the world...When mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!