Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   That moment you realise you're a result of sex.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.

   What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?