Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

   recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   Whenever I get a message that begins with "Hey Stranger" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help.

   So we just spent $4 billion on an election about "too much spending?"

   Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat

   Some people live life in the fast lane. I have decided that I live it in oncoming traffic at night with no lights on. Welcome to my world, buckle up.

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?

   duck....duck...duck...grey goose!

   some people were dropped as babies. clearly, you were thrown against a wall.

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   Every time I lose my phone, it's always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.