Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   It seems I have 3 personalities. One that has a plan, one that completely screws up the plan, and one that says "what the hell happened to the plan?"......

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came back from the store with the list she gave me and now she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.

   Quick!! Someone make a status update about tomorrow being Monday and how you're already counting down the days until the weekend is here...

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...