Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   I trust you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do tonight

   I got an idea for MTV....Film The Real world at my house....The real world, where your wallet is empty and your mailbox if full of bills!

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   Of course,men can multitask. They read on the toilet.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   - I am looking for my Valentine's Day Date on the Casual Encounters Section of Craigslist.