Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   Who gets the binders full of women?

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.