Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   My 14 y/o daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's okay to leave her alone with him.

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can't get these things off.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”