Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   I do everything faster when I have to pee.

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   Everyone thinks that girls dream about finding the perfect guy, pssht we dream about eating whatever we want and not getting fat!

   No matter what you do in life, Dont EVER! let the Kirby Vacuum Salesman into your house!!!

   Ever notice the fine print on car commercials? In big print it's "Starting at $18,995", and in fine print "As shown, $420,000"

   ..Hey,,, Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods?

   I'm smiling on the outside because I have a rainbow of pills on the inside.

   Whenever I see someone running in normal clothes, I immediately assume something is wrong.