Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   I do everything faster when I have to pee.

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.