Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always keep a backup in case these hos wanna act up!

   Treating a women is like tea time... You just let the pinky do what it wants.

   I emailed my congressman about SOPA and PIPA. I have no doubt that the government will not care though. . . To prove it, I got an auto reply so they will not read it.

   I just heard someone described as a "YouTube star" which I don't think is actually a thing.

   If I hear Jennifer Hudson sing "I am you, you are me...If you want it you got it..." Then I'm going to start expecting her Weight Watchers endorsement checks.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   Happy Hump Day This Sincerely, Those of us who work Saturdays

   likes to fist-bump with a 'i got ur nose' fist

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. imagine how good it would be with 10 drinks especially with V day approaching..

   figured out the answer to the question, "Why does my dog like to put his head out the car window and he doesn't like when I blow in his face?" Answer: Halitosis!

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself...

   carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow

   Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   Okay Facebook lovers, you can shove your lovey-dovey cute couple pics down our throats all you want, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Gee what a goofy looking couple"

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   With our election choices, I now know how hard it is to be a gold digger!

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   Don't forget that the guy who's the reason for the season loves you! And I don't mean Sam Walton.