Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here