Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   any one else creeped out when a grown, single man posts pictures of his dogs all the time??

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes sayin "Hey Yo....I asked for mayo".

   if your neighbors call the police on you for playing loud music, just tell the cop "you can dance if you want to or you can leave your friend behind..."

   Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.

   They say you will eat approximately 23 spiders in your life,,, but really you can eat as many as you want.. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

   The Germans gave us cars, The Russians gave us Vodka but The French... The French gave us threesome.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   I wonder if Joan Rivers is an organ donor or a mannequin donor? ....